Skate Wars Episode III: Revenge of Spank Alley

Long ago, in a Lonestar far, far, away...

As a child of the eighties, I have memories of watching saturday morning cartoons that would lead into some wrastlin' programs such as the WWF or , being from Texas, the good ole' World Class Wrestling where the Von Erich Family introduced me to tragedy on the Shakespearian level only sadly not scripted. Then, the last program to complete my Saturday morning television routine: Rollerderby. Much like wrestling on 80 wheels (ten pairs of rollerskates on the track during a 'jam') I loved to watch the amazing feats of speed and agility especially when that feat would end in the skater being dramatically clothes-lined or thrown over the track railing.

Rollerderby has been around since the 30s I believe. It's popularity peaked in the 70s although you could still find it on television well into the 80s. The proverbial nail in the coffing should have been 'Rollerball' with its sci-fi rollerderby meets blood sport of the future. If that wasn't enough, in 1998 TNT (now Spike TV and whose only ratings came in from World Championship Wrestling now gobbled up by the WWE) tried to revive the sport with 'Roller Jam' which used professional speed skaters and somewhat less professional meathead actors. It was more about scripted drama than the game itself. Oh, and then they remade 'Rollerball'.

So even though someone out there was really trying hard to destroy the glorious sport, I was amazed to find out that in several cities across the country it is back. Big time. No scripted theatrics. No sci-fi movies. Just good old Rollerderby like I watched on saturday morning tv. But for a new, empowered generation of females.

All of my previous rollerderby experience was mixed gender. What I saw live in person was all girl action. And just being there with the crowd (also predominantly female) and the live music I realized this was not just some knock off or updated version of the sport. This was the real deal and therefore a real experience.

First off, the punkish stylings of Hellapeno got us jazzed for the upcoming 'bout'.* Girls were working the crowd selling raffle tickets. If your ticket was drawn you were chosen for 'Spank Alley'. Think of it as front row V.I.P. seating with lots of interaction in the game. You see, if a girl gets called for a penalty they spin the penalty wheel. One of the possible outcomes** is 'spanking'. Said girl must skate by the V.I.P's armed with swatters who each get a turn as she goes by. Another possible outcome spin: Reverse-spanking. That's right. Said V.I.P.s hop up and sit on the track so that their backsides are presented for the naughty rollergirl to skate by and spank. Thus the cry of the raffle ticket peddlers, "Spank a rollergirl! Sometimes they spank back! $1.00!" A middle-aged woman behind me with a crew cut and cowboy swagger leapt down the bleachers and was the first and most excited to buy a ticket. She got picked too.

The rollergirls themselves, just like all girls, came in all kinds. They were all tough. But there were definite bruisers out there. There were gracefull, amazing skaters, whose long strides and quick turns made it look easy though I never thought it was. There were true showwomen who had taken their chosen persona's and ran with it. 'Miss Conduct' comes to mind with her fiery red hair and middle fingers blazing, whether she had performed well or poorly. Though they were serious competitors, they didn't take everything so seriously, nor were they just parodies of the sport.***

Example: The teams we saw in action were the Hellcats, a 50s styled girl gang, (think Grease's Pink Ladies if they were all Rizzo and loved tatoos and switchblades) and the 2004 Cavello Cup Champs, the Holy Rollers (one of the maroon blazered play by play guys called them the "Bad boys of catholic school girls."). They each had made up names and some even had funny jersey numbers too. "Helena Handbasket" wore the number "3:16". The "too young" 'Jailbait' wore the ingenious "10-20". With the announcers, and the themed teams, the movie "Dodgeball" came to mind. That's a good thing. Both are very entertaining.

We had a blast, especially us three guys. Rachel enjoyed it but had a sort of deer in the headlights look. That was expected. She's a girls-girl. She couldn't understand why the rollergirls didn't cry when they got knocked down. She also had never been somewhere where the "facilities" consisted of a long row of porta-potties. The bathroom being her most sacred place you can see the quandry she was in. I found all these things very cute and endearing.

We met some rollergirls in the bleachers with us who were from a league in Chicago, "Windy City Rollers". They gave us some cool stickers. I proudly display mine next to the Irish flag on my car. "Val Capone" was very nice and she would look back and give me an appreciative laugh when she would overhear my own comedic play by play of the bout I would sometimes do with Shad. Maybe I have a future in the sport. It certainly wouldn't be on the rink as those girls would simply chew me up and spit me out.

We also found out about a start up league up here in DFW. I plan on checking it out when it gets rolling in May. I encourage anyone open minded and old enough (I don't remember so many fish-nets when I was a kid watching on tv) to check out the sport. Definitely one of the greatest experiences of my years. Thanks to Janx for taking us and Rachel for going and staying and especially the girls for putting on one helluva exhibition. Rachel saw one of the rollergirls out on the town a few nights later. "They are just as hardcore out in the real world." I had a feeling they represent. Please check out these links if you are interested in this high octane world.

http://www.txrd.com
http://www.windycityrollers.com/
http://www.dallasderbydevils.com/

Also, Shad and Janx have their rollerthoughts up on their blogs too. Read together we make up an epic rollertrilogy. Their blogs are linked on the right side of my page. I'll be posting pictures later.

*Crank County Daredevils provided the halftime music and rocked us with their dirty, rock-metal, stylings. They deserve mentioning as well.
** Other outcomes for the penalty wheel were arm wrestling and pillow fight (both between the two rollergirls who had infractured each other) and some more I can't remember. I did learn that pillow fights soon give way to pillowless brawls and rolling around on the track catfights. Huh. Didn't know that.
***There were a few bench clearing brawls that were for show rather than an actual fight breaking out. But still it was in the spirit of fun and entertainment and not trying to be part of a scripted dramatic subplot.